jillypoet: mom trying to write

Each day I wish I had invented waterproof sticky notes (for shower inspiration) or pen-friendly diapers to get down all my quirky thoughts that I am sure are relevant and publishable. And so God (actually another writer-mommy) sent me The Blog.

Monday, April 28, 2008

NaPoWriMo #28 - And the prose poem makes a return...

I Took a Wild Walk in Nature, and This Is What I Found

The remains of the dead deer, the shrunken head, the mottled fur. Animals had picked it clean; its hooves were still attached. Like dying with your socks on and lying there until someone kicks your ankle to see if the socks stay up. The first time my father almost died he was tied by his wrists in the post-op room. They do that to patients who try to take their IVs out, even the strong silent types. Where are my shorts?, he bellowed. Get me my shorts. This big strapping man, vein blown out by a giant air bubble, three feet from meeting Jesus, and his first waking thoughts wander past boxer shorts. I like to recall this moment and say he grabbed my wrist. When I found the deer, I kicked a leg to see if it would crumble. To see what death felt like from the outside, see what it moved like. And when I heard on the news tonight that a man had kept his daughter hidden, a sex-slave for twenty-four years, I knew. This is the dead deer. This is why a greater aneurysm came to take the place of the first. A son came to take the place of a father. There is bad karma wafting into the air all around us. Daily toxins from bad men, bad medicine, bad blood. When I tripped over the white-washed bones of the dead deer, a piece of back bone sprung up, a final hand waving (not drowning). I walked with it, swinging it like a staff. I took a wild walk in nature, and this is what I found.

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I didn't think I had a poem in me tonight. Actually, I started two or three today, and a few more the past few days, but none of the starts have moved me to finish. They are like half started paintings, languishing in my journal, poor things.

Tonight, I was going to enlist my husband's help. I was feeling that desperate. Help me write a poem. We can share lines. It ounded like fun. Then, I pulled a couple lines from a piece I've been working on for 10 years. Holy moly. 10 years. And I went with it. It helped that the first few lines grossed my tough, black-belt husband out. And he the hiker, nature guy. Ha! City kid. I told him I didn't need him and off I went.

Question--should this be divided into two parts? Maybe at "...my wrist./ When I found the dead deer..."

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5 Comments:

Blogger paisley said...

wow... i really enjoyed this...

8:04 AM  
OpenID artpredator said...

thanks for finding these pieces and weaving them together and getting them out in the open

it really resonates with me--you may remember my dedication of my poem this week to my friend just died of a heart attack a few days ago (at 46)

and i just found a carcas at my college near my classroom's back door...

i love all the specific details.

to answer your question: i'd either leave it one "breath" or break it up in 2 places or possibly more.

i think as you review it you will see a few places you could tighten it up--only because soooo much of it is so strong!! (let me know if you'd like to know more)

again, i love your voice!

and yay--i can now post comments to your blog!

11:50 AM  
Blogger jillypoet said...

paisley--thank you!

artpredator--yes! i would love to hear more about how i could tighten this up.

1:46 PM  
Blogger GreenishLady said...

You have really given yourself to the poetry and I am amazed at what is flowing out. That's powerful. As to whether or not to break it, I think not. Because the shifts within are tangible, and don't need to be marked out too strongly. But to break it would be fine if it feels appropriate to you.

4:30 PM  
Blogger distracted by shiny objects said...

Excellent. I agree with above comments and would not break it up. Personally, I like it as one thought/one breath. Let me look at this a little longer and let it percolate. I believe there could be some tightness added, but want to think on it for a day or two, if that's okay.
You had asked about poems on my blog--those I didn't write I find usually on the Writer's Almanac website and also Poets.org Poem-A-Day. They send them to your email daily for a little poetry fix. Great writing. AnnieH

5:27 PM  

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