jillypoet: mom trying to write

Each day I wish I had invented waterproof sticky notes (for shower inspiration) or pen-friendly diapers to get down all my quirky thoughts that I am sure are relevant and publishable. And so God (actually another writer-mommy) sent me The Blog.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Mother as Oak Tree

For God’s sake hold your arms out straight.
They’ll cut you for your curves,
saw you down to the quick
at the slightest bend or hint of weakness.
Heaven forbid you appear broken.
Hold them up to Jesus, child,
even the smallest, barren branch.
Hold it together, hold it together.
Do not let your skin fall off.
Lepers don’t fare well in this society.
They will want to feel your bark,
caress your crags and crevices.
Stand a bit straighter
when they hug you.
These are the people
who will fight
to leave you
here for eternity.
And here, I will whisper,
so lean in close,
this could be the adventure
of a lifetime.
Push your roots.
Push them right up out of the ground.
Do not be afraid of where you grew from.
Trip them up,
a little. Stretch. Beat the earth
at her own game. When they stumble
on your gorgeous lines
it will stop the people in their tracks.
No one will ever ask to see your rings.

***


I've never done this with a poem, but this was bugging me. Which way do these lines read better? The present way, or this (which happens to be the original...I just edited the above version). Thanks for your help!

when they hug you. These are the people
who will fight to leave
you here for eternity.

7 Comments:

Blogger Crafty Green Poet said...

you've created a wonderful voice there, I love the ending....

12:17 PM  
Blogger Liza Lee Miller said...

Wonderful, Jillypoet. The urge to protect our children and prepare them for the harshness of life is very clear.

4:52 PM  
Blogger Linda said...

I love mother oak! She's so smart and such a good mom! Iagree with Juliet about the voice you've created here. I can hear her! We should all strive to be mothers like her!

6:37 PM  
Blogger Jo said...

Lovely poem, great idea. I am not sure about the lines, both work though I think the ones in the poem standing seem a little punchier.

3:41 AM  
Blogger PDW said...

i like the second set of line breaks but would consider putting "you" above with the second line. it adds a second meaning. that's only a good thing, though, if it fits with what you had in mind.

4:19 PM  
Blogger Wendelynn said...

Either way, this is amazing. I'm not a poet in any form, so I have no suggestions. But I must say, I admire your imagery.

Thank you so much for dropping by my blog and for leaving a comment. I'm so excited to read your blog!

Oh, and because your commenting option only allow blogger: I'm from www.evidently.org. ~Wen

4:16 PM  
Blogger Wendelynn said...

Either way, this is amazing. I'm not a poet in any form, so I have no suggestions. But I must say, I admire your imagery.

Thank you so much for dropping by my blog and for leaving a comment. I'm so excited to read your blog!

Oh, and because your commenting option only allow blogger: I'm from www.evidently.org. ~Wen

4:17 PM  

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